April 14, 2008
We just arrived home from a week-long visit with family in NC (spring break). It provided a much-needed rest from the busy daily schedule and activities and time to spend with family and friends. But with spare time comes more time to think. There were some sad times here and there. For example, riding through New Bern, near the airport where I dropped Matt off on Christmas day so that he could return home to Atlanta for work, brought back some very painful memories. Matt was tearful when he said goodbye on Christmas day, and even seemed to know what was ahead. He called my sister when he landed in Atlanta and asked her to take good care of me. Now I know what he meant.
My kids missed his presence on our vacation too, times that were usually happy and filled with Matt’s zest for water slides and beach adventures. Between the lackluster weather most of the week and Matt’s absence, they seemed bored and resorted to squabbling. I think they are intent on making me look like an unfit parent. Returning home to Atlanta was bittersweet. Even though we had traveled without Matt before, he always greeted us when we returned home.
Overall, I think we’re rejuvenated and ready to finish out the school year. Good thing. Because today was busy with taxes, selling Matt’s truck, and taking care of numerous other unpleasant details. I return to work tomorrow and will probably have some sort of beach/vacation withdrawal, especially with the 34 degree weather.
March 27, 2008
The reality has started sinking in. Every day there are reminders that Matt is gone. I have to go through the process of eliminating Matt’s name from accounts, dealing with probate, learning the ins and outs of the finances, and other things that I am not accustomed to doing. His clothes still hang in the closet and his things are still in the bathroom. I just don’t think I’m ready to deal with cleaning those out yet. I miss him every day and some days are hard to keep going.
March 13, 2008
Kinsey talks about Matt every day. I guess this is healthy. She has an amazing memory and recalls little things that she and Matt used to do. Unlike Jason and Ellie, she isn’t always sad when she talks about him, but rather matter of fact. Her concepts of death, and the circumstances of Matt’s death, are different than ours. One day she will come to understand what happened to her daddy, and I fear that will be very hard for her.
The other two kids are dealing with Matt’s absence in their own ways. They have been arguing more, both with each other and me. I am looking for ways to bring them together and it doesn’t seem to be working. HELP!
March 2, 2008
This was a very good day! My kids and friends organized a surprise birthday party for me. It was definitely a surprise! I was touched that so many people came over and participated in the celebration. My daughter Ellie was the master planner behind it all and many people contributed to the occasion. Ellie told me that she liked seeing me smile!
February 12, 2008
Today is the 4 week anniversary of Matt’s death. Time is blurred and our hearts still ache like it was yesterday. The kids and I are hanging in there, taking life day by day (or sometimes an hour by hour). None of us have ever dealt with grief like this. The kids are doing well in school, engaged in their regular extracurricular activities, and helping each other cope. I am back at work, though fewer hours than before, and busy taking care of all the necessary tasks that need to be handled immediately. We will be celebrating Matt’s 41st birthday this weekend. I’m not exactly sure what the kids would like to do, but it will be a difficult day. They often share funny memories of their dad and like to remember all of the good times. These memories are very important to us and we want to keep him alive in that way.